Fearing the Soup Nazi

I am beginning to realise that with each passing year the odds are lengthening on me discovering a cure for cancer, treating the nation to a number one pop ballad or even a fantastic new recipe for waffles.  Perhaps ‘adulthood’ in part is the acceptance and the identification of the parameters of our lives, to not see them as constraints but to at least recognise them.  None of this prepared me for when my life became a scene from the American television series, Seinfeld.  I innocently visited the local tip to get rid of the branches from last Christmas’ tree.  I’d entertained the idea of letting the tree wither for a spell and then using it our wood burning stove. After 4 months spent in a refuse sack in the garage they remained in peak condition and I feared introducing it to the wood burner would have been like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark – a lot of bright light and rapidly escalating regret.  Whilst not a feared of whimsy it is rare for me to entertain ornaments, mascots and the like.  One such exception is the small toy marmot that sits before me on my car’s dashboard. It stares ahead, permanently vigilant of my future journey, an alpine figurehead.  On arriving at the tip I was greeted warmly by a member of staff.  They’re a convivial bunch but this was friendly indeed.  “I have something for you” she said.  She began searching through the seemingly endless array of pockets in her luminous orange overall until she unearthed a small soft toy dinosaur.  “There”, she said, “a friend for that guy in your car”.  A friend. For the marmot. From the tip.  An exemplar of politeness and also that middle class trait of “not causing a fuss” I graciously accepted the dinosaur and gamely sat it on the dashboard next to the marmot. So there it was, sitting proudly, a dinosaur. From the tip.  A generous gift, there was no uncertainty about that and one from someone eponymously described as a “cracking bird”.  I was struggling to separate it from its environment, which to put it bluntly was a tip.  What if the dinosaur was tainted with something? Cholera. Fleas. Rabid dogs?  Worse still, was I now obliged to have the dinosaur on my dashboard for every visit to the tip risking being sent away in disgrace for being a deceitful receiver of dinosaurs, my boot full of tree cuttings and empty plastic bottles, my soul full of shame.  And if this was causing me this level of consternation how was I supposed to contribute at work, society or even put my shoes on the right feet.

It's difficult to gauge the pitch of these digests. You're not physically separated from reality, just conceptually. I do need to congratulate you on your prowess at dancing on bars and I’m sure your sea faring skills are improving at a similar pace. On the off chance that your WiFi raiding is mostly hodor based then I'll endeavour to share a flavour of "current events"...

First, as always sport.  Fulham's relegation, like the ascension of Man City and pretty much the whole order of the Premier league table was more a tedious procession rather than a rollercoaster of sporting drama. Liverpool's 3-3 draw at Crystal Palace in the final week which effectively handed the trophy to City highlighted the trope that you need to defend as well as attack. Man City's championship reinforced that being the richest club allows you to buy the best players and win. Whither sport?  Currently we reside in a sporting graveyard. The play offs and Champions League finals offer at best modest succour to the masses' morphine we know as football. The world cup remains far, far away.  Not enough time for the Brazilians to actually finish building the stadiums mind.  A visit to BBC's sport pages details school sports days, formula one and something called tennis. In desperation I have resorted to talking to my family.

Amidst the tales of faffatroning and teenage reclusion there have been episodes involving close contact with puffins, the formal start of BBQ season, guitar glasnost, renewed campaigning for spaniels, the taming of gardens, procrastination over decorating, cycling (of course), lives lost to work, GCSE options, expeditions in the dales and lamenting largess.

Speaking of the reconciliation of unachievable objectives against inarticulate disinterest it's the local and European elections this week.  It would be unfair to represent rural constituencies as homes to nimbyism, subsurface racism and a trenchant I'm alright Jack ethos but yes the Conservatives lead locally by some margin.  Meanwhile in Europe, but of course I mean nationally the debate has been derailed once more by the likes of UKIP who with bitter irony appear to be following the National Socialist's playbook from 1930's Germany. Of course with the representation of such polarising views this has created the perfect arena for a debate on our country's relationship with Europe. Strangely there is next to none. I may have misheard but Labour's stance appears to be that whilst they regret the need to burn Romanians in pyres at the border they were committed to doing it with locally sourced biodiesel.  The economy is on an upturn apparently. Maybe in your old lair. The age of boarded shop windows and pound shop parades continues elsewhere. As news of the latest stock market corporate takeover drifts through the middle order of the news I feel obliged to steal from Lewis Black and say "someone's getting rich but it isn't fucking you".

Meanwhile in popular culture giant lizards and superheroes dominate at the cinema, offering limited counterpoint to the assertion that we’re dumbing down.  On a note of minor triumph I recently finished a book detailing the major advancements in Quantum Mechanics over the last century.  In parts baffling but mostly inspiringly brilliant I have to confess I read it at a pace that in turn would challenge people’s conception of time and the infinite.  Much like your good self in awaiting the next installment of this blog. 

Shit Bitch!

One of the storylines of this season's MUFC demise as soap opera is the seeming incompatibility of having Rooney and RVP playing up front together.  There's been less passing between them than <insert d list celebrity of your choice>'s appearance on Mastermind.  It can only be a coincidence that with RVP consigned once more to the injury list that Rooney took to the field against West Ham on Saturday with a smile on his face and apparently a renewed interest in the game.  After a bit of argy bargy with a defender Rooney latches onto a half volley from around the half way line and smacks it over the keeper and scores.  It was described best on Reddit with "If that happened in Fifa I'd rage quit for a week".

Half way through Match of the Day Gary Lineker turned to the camera and said "and now over to Etihad arena to see Manchester City entertain Fulham".  The camera zoomed out to reveal that Lineker had a black hankerchief on his head and was crossing himself.  I'm not one for undue cruelty but your boys were lucky to come away wih a zero on their side of the scoreline.  A more accurate result would have been MANC 8 FULH -4. Dark times at the Cottage.  For the neutral football fan what's most disappointing is the behaviour of your latest manager, Felix Magath.  On his appointment we were promised eccentrism bordering on psychopathy with tales of players enduring training sessions that were closer in spirit to Abu Ghraib than St George's park. In reality Magath has presented himself as benign grandfather-like figure in natty FFC themed glasses.

Earlier this week Turkey shot down a Syrian military jet on the assertion that it has strayed into their airspace. So far there's been no reprisals probably because Turkey has a fully resourced military and isn't a disparate set of rebels with limited armament representing a beleaguered civilian population being starved into extinction.

Your mid week declaration via social media that you'd been assigned a two week flotilla caused some degree of angst and uncertainty in our holiday planning committee.  I issued a set of cards to each member with a number of holiday themed criteria on them.  The cards had to be laid out in a prioritised order.  Despite "seeing you" scoring highly the practical realities of achieving this, together with boat availability and the general unhelpfulness of the sales team back in the UK may result in a different holiday being pursued.

I conspired, somewhat against my will, to spend three days this week in a training course on Quality. At the beginning when we had to introduce ourselves and state why we were there I announced to the room that I was a keen fan of abstract concepts and hope to attend a course next week on "Freedom".  My boss began to rub his temples.  It was going to be a long week. For everyone.

It's asserted that pets are spreading TB to their owners.  Badgers are no doubt waiting for the link to be established between them and pets, probably that they're entering homes through cat flaps and coughing over everything they can reach before skulking back into the countryside.  If you think that's tenuous then I'd assert it's no more of a stretch than the link between them and cattle unless cows have started living in burrows and have gone nocturnal whilst my eye's been off the ball.

All in all. a bit of a meh week.  You've missed nothing.....

The Toothpaste Baron of Spofforth

You'll recall that for some years we had a spaniel named Jessica. Towards the end of her life there were frequent trips to the vet and each time we were treated with compassion and genuine empathy.  I can still picture the look in the vet's eyes as she took us through the options to bring Jess' life to an end with some degree of comfort and most importantly no more pain.  Every time Gary Lineker introduces Fulham on Match of the Day I get pangs of recognition.

Not to shed light upon magic but I have to confess that I had this prepped and ready to run only for your boys to spoil things and throw in a 1-0 win on Saturday. If only you could play Newcastle every week. Down in the lower leagues with my lot I have had to estimate whether we'll get relegated if we follow current form and lose every game until the end of the season.  Our prospective new owner has just been found guilty of tax evasion.  The perfect person for Leeds then.  Seeing as we're doing sport news RVP comes back from the dead with a hat trick and carries the cabal of strangers, to themselves and the tenets of football strategy, previously known as MUFC into the quarter finals of the champions league. The Liverpool fans in the office are starting to echo Stephen Gerrrarrrrd and believe that they're going to win the league.  I'm still trying to decide if I could cope with the smugness overload such a championship would instill. The Six Nations drew to a close and we can all be thankful that neither the French or the Welsh won it.  England was filled with youthful promise with a style of play that was pretty watchable.  That said, if I never hear swing low sweet chariot being sung at Twickenham I'd be a happy man.  Love the team, hate the supporters.

Wednesday saw George Osborne annouce this year's budget.  Anyone would think that we were close to an election with all the pandering to the grey vote.  If UKIP get any more decent by-election results in the home counties we can surely expect tax rebates for flood defences made from illegal immigrants/insert replacement lazy guardianista cliche of choice.  Stuart Lee contests that increasingly the Conservatives are placing themselves beyond satire.  This was reinforced last night by Grant Shapps, their chairman, championing the budget by tweeting a poster entitled "Bingo!" with the caption "Cutting the bingo tax & beer duty to help hardworking people do more of the things the enjoy". Whether it was a hideously misplaced jape or a naked attempt to keep the proletariat in line it demonstrates a level of political debate that can only garner wider public engagement. Either that or we'll just get pitched a set of fears that score highly in focus groups.

"Can I quiese your farm?" was the strangest opening line I faced this  week.  They could have said "turn off". They could have said "servers go sleepy bye bye". But no, they went with quiese and I have to confess a new word entered my lexicon.

In other news a passenger jet stays lost in South East Asia.  Despite all the fears of terrorism Wired published an article from a pilot suggesting that this was an instrument fire in a cockpit resulting in the pilots flying without electrical aids. The search continues and he story remains high in the news but I bet more people died in Syria in the last week.

Break out the new romantics, shoulder pads and metal mickey.  The 80s are back and with it the cold war. The Crimea has voted "strongly" for adoption into the Russian state. The region simmers.  Sanctions are imposed.  The Russians, who unlike the previous cold war from the position of being one of the world's major oil and gas producers look on with indifference and barely concealed contempt.

Today, the sun reached a position above the equator since the passing of winter.. This formally marks the start of spring so the weather forecast for the weekend is obviously for early morning frosts.  I thought I'd throw that in as I can only presume that your current locale is more climatically favourable.  Back up a few lines of latitude my cycle shorts remain in their drawer.   The dreams of summer remain just that, bar last night when I awoke before my alarm consumed with thinking about photons and the implications of them having no mass. I tried to engage the Toothpaste Baron of Spofforth on the matter but they queried whether 5 a.m. was the best time to instigate such a debate.

There is an argument...

...and I'm the argumentative type. Or am I? Maybe I'm just uncertain.  Anyway, if not an argument then there's an assertion that a blog is not the most private way of communicating to one individual.  That said, with global IT companies vying with security agencies to see who can read our email first perhaps a blog is as private as anything else.

As you flee these shores once more prepare for a weekly digest distilling "key events". Unbidden, uncontrolled, unwelcome even, know this, when the sunshine becomes unrelenting, when the last boat comes in two hours late and there's no space left on the quay, when your crew struggle to come to terms with your unique approach to domestic harmony steal some wifi and catch up on tales from the outside world. In essence, it's everything you've missed....